So I ask myself everyday when i wake up... what is it that i like about myself... and everyday, the answer remains UNANSWERED.

Many people spend a lifetime searching for happiness, looking for peace. they chase idle dreams, addiction, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. the irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

 how weird is it that everything seems to fit into how my life is going right now. Scaryyy

Sometimes when you look around, you have to look at how everything is closely. The most beautiful, and happiest couples might not be as great at you may think. They might have the best of everything, but you never know how things really are. They could have their own little problems. Guess that is just how things are. Reality is a hard, and sometimes we use things to coverup the truth. Sometimes when things seem to be hardest thats when things should start to get better right? I would think so. I really like him, i really do.... but sometimes you never know what happens til something actually happens right... young love. So simple, so pure, so innocent. <3

Things are soo complicated. I don't think I have ever given so much thought about something for SO long. Four long years, of wanting something, but not being able to grab hold of it. I remember along time ago how easy everything was, i didnt have to worry about what kinda of clothes to wear, how i should do my hair or makeup, or even about boys. but as you grow up, you lose that freedom of self. Acually you dont lose it, but you lose that sense of who you are for what others think you should be. but what else can you do? oh well. but i always remember this as i go on everyday in life; i thought i should share it with you all that way you never lose touch of what you really desire.

                   DON'T give up what you want most,
                                  for what you want at the moment.

Why am I cursed to these meaningless relationship? Id there not one person out there who can love me? I though I had found him, but he only broke my heart. I try to close my eyes, but everytime I do the wind whispers his name.

My heart has been taken and misplaced by some careless guy... I am lost without it and my mind is wondering.  You stole my heart and locked it away, but you never used it.  Why is it that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to break the lock?  I need you to come back to me, although you were never mine.

Even as I talk to you, you still don't know what you mean to me.  There is so much I want to say to you, but my mind becomes clouded with your beauty every time I see you and I draw a blank.  I've tried writing letters, but then I see you with somebody else and another knife is added to the heart that lies in your locker.

You once told me that you loved me, but the way you meant it wasn't the same.  You love me as a friend, but my love is much deeper.  I don't know how much longer I can live on knowing how you feel.  I have thought about death, but then I see your face glowing as beautiful as one of God's glorious angels, soothing my nerves.

How much more of this torture can I endure?  To see you, to hold you, and to hear your voice and know that you may never be mine.  Why can I not find the words to tell you how I feel?  Why must it be so difficult?  I know that I am in love with you and it pains me to know that you may not feel the same.

Why can't you see that I am in love with you, I have given you all the signs?  Why is it that you have loved so many others, but never me?  What I really want is to hold you, to be with you, and to hear your voice... that is all I want in this world.

You left me with nothing; you took both my heart and soul.  How am I to live on, my life feels like such a waste.  AM i NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR LOVE?  HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME ON THIS VIRTUE IN MY LIFE!  My only hope is to sit and pray he will answer.  "Will that be enough?"  I often wonder, "Or am I doomed to live my wretched life alone?"

I have cried over you, I have beaten myself up over you, I have stood up for you, and I will always love you.  In your eyes is that not enough?  I have given you my life, to have and to hold, but you do not appreciate this.  I try and try again to treat you like a prince I tell you every sweet thing I can imagine and yet you feel nothing?

Am I just that unappealing?  Is there some sign on my back that says, "I DO NOT DESERVE LOVE," or, "FREE FUCK?"  I am not the kind of woman who likes flings, not anymore.  I have seen what is out there; I have looked for other options.  Now I realize you are the only one for me, you are the love of my life... and yet you feel nothing for me.

I saw you today, looking as hot as can be.  My heart froze and my hands started sweating, I was paralyzed from my feelings for you.  It appeared that you didn't even notice me, like I was just a figment of my own imagination, like I am not good enough to be seen.  I wanted to go over to you and kiss you, but the fear of rejection withheld me back.

I have never felt this way before and it scares me.  I don't know how to act, how to sleep, how to breathe, without your voice in my mind.  I feel unworthy of you; unworthy to be around you because of the way you treat me.  I am nothing to you... I don't know how much longer I can live knowing so...

Realizations sets into my EYES

well, i delated everything from the past, and starting off fresh. on a clean slate. i have never realized how horrible my life was until i read everything i wrote in the past. wow and the main cause of all that pain were from my own dumb actions and guys. eh ohhh well. thats just how life is i suppose. --bit it seems like its the same again-- the trouble is, trouble always follows me. and pain does as well.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? Or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own....when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. * What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? *What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *What would you do if you’re best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (Even if it is that you don't care anymore)*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? *What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?* People live, but people die. So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life, look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.